Method & Mindset

I started working on this idea I had for a quasi-autobiographical story based on my years in high school. As I'm writing it, I'm trying to force myself to remember what I was like then (what my thoughts, concerns, ambitions, anxieties, etc. were). I realized a couple days ago that it's a bit like method acting: getting into the mindset of the character you're trying to portray by going through his/her experiences in real life. That being said, the past few days, I've been feeling really depressed, just like I did back then.

This project made me remember so many minor details of my life that managed to impact me so much. I feel like I'm especially remembering the moments when I was really unsure of myself and what I wanted out of my life (I know, I sound like every other angst-ridden teenager). But the bad thing is that it's affecting me now.

Having lived through it, I already know how the story ends. But reliving this anxiety is making me wonder if that ending was the right one. I keep finding myself wondering how my life would be different if I had come out during high school. Or if I had gone to U of I last year instead of UE. Or if I had continued trying to get through to my dad. And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

I feel like I'm going through the process of rediscovering myself-almost like a mid-life crisis (though that obviously isn't the case). And it's frustrating because, as I said, I've already lived through the story once and I know what kind of person I became and I'm happy. But there's something in my head, something with a lot of sway over my conscious thoughts, that insists that I repeat those thoughts and emotions and learn something new from them.

I just can't seem to fathom what that might be...