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My superstitious mind is intertwined
with fear and suspense.
My muscles are tense and I wince
at the idea of leaving.
I try believing that if I go, I'll return
Cuz my soul burns for you, yearns for you
But I must learn to be without you

You, with a body so fine, with the perfect mind;
Loving you should be a crime
And I'd be willing to do that time
Cuz in time I could make you mine

But the clock is on its last toc
Time's run out and I'm about to leave
One last hug, one last kiss
Let's enjoy this last bliss

Cuz I'll miss:
Your body so fine
Your perfect mind
Committing that crime of passion.

Method & Mindset

I started working on this idea I had for a quasi-autobiographical story based on my years in high school. As I'm writing it, I'm trying to force myself to remember what I was like then (what my thoughts, concerns, ambitions, anxieties, etc. were). I realized a couple days ago that it's a bit like method acting: getting into the mindset of the character you're trying to portray by going through his/her experiences in real life. That being said, the past few days, I've been feeling really depressed, just like I did back then.

This project made me remember so many minor details of my life that managed to impact me so much. I feel like I'm especially remembering the moments when I was really unsure of myself and what I wanted out of my life (I know, I sound like every other angst-ridden teenager). But the bad thing is that it's affecting me now.

Having lived through it, I already know how the story ends. But reliving this anxiety is making me wonder if that ending was the right one. I keep finding myself wondering how my life would be different if I had come out during high school. Or if I had gone to U of I last year instead of UE. Or if I had continued trying to get through to my dad. And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

I feel like I'm going through the process of rediscovering myself-almost like a mid-life crisis (though that obviously isn't the case). And it's frustrating because, as I said, I've already lived through the story once and I know what kind of person I became and I'm happy. But there's something in my head, something with a lot of sway over my conscious thoughts, that insists that I repeat those thoughts and emotions and learn something new from them.

I just can't seem to fathom what that might be...

Identity Dissonance

How do you compose a complete, consistent identity when two major parts are at odds?
Is it possible to be a scientist and still say evolution is a crock?
Can you be a protector and be vulnerable?
Could you hate someone and love them at the same time?
Are there people who are self-fulfilling but need a partner in order to be complete?
Do people truly not care what others say about them, but hope good things are being said?
Can you claim to have an identity, when you're not really sure who you are?

Cats & Dogs

Today I discovered something about myself: I. Am. A Cat.

There's a particular reason why I chose to capitalize cat. Here's the backstory:

Tonight, I was hanging out with two of my friends and somehow we started talking about how people choose to make friends and what not. She said that she was a dog person because dogs willingly give affection and want to be friendly with everyone, or at least those that deserve it.

She started talking about how cats reserve their friendship and affection and make you work to earn it. She said that the reason she wasn't a cat person was because she didn't want to have to try so hard to be friends with someone; that she really just wanted to be friends with everyone.

I realized that I'm the exact opposite. I have no desire to be friends with everyone, even everyone that's nice, which sometimes makes me feel a little bad because I'm blowing off perfectly nice people. In truth, I'm not sure how I chose the friends I have (or why they wanted to be my friends in the first place) just because I am a little socially distant. But I know that I manage to make it very difficult for people to be friends with me. Because I am a Cat.

Deadly Sin

Last night, while not being able to sleep, I was thinking about me and my personality. I realized that probably the best and worst thing about it is that I'm extremely proud. I was weighing the pros and the cons:

Pros:

• makes me very ambitious
• makes me resilient to harsh criticism
• allows me to accept the other aspects of my personality
• lets me experience new things without fear of losing myself

Cons:

• I sometimes come off as cocky
• some people try to avoid me because they think I think I'm superior to them

At the time those were the only two cons I could think of, but to me they're pretty big. On the one hand, I've come to really like the person I am and don't want to change. On the other hand, I realize that I'm sometimes an overwhelmingly proud person and I don't want people to think any less of me, or themselves, because of it. Because I do NOT believe, by any stretch of the imagination, that I am in all ways perfect. I've already admitted that pride is one of my major flaws. But I'm not really willing to let go of that pride because it is the only thing that allows me to feel good about myself. I guess it's just that my greatest strength is my greatest flaw and I'm having trouble reconciling that; figuring out how to allow myself to be proud without imposing myself on others.

The one thing I don't like about college

The one thing I don't like about college, no matter which college, is a fraternity party. It's not the fraternities or the members that bother me, it's the partygoers. They all have very clear intentions when they go there: get wasted. And it usually happens as planned. That doesn't really even bother me so much. What gets me is that some people are extremely obnoxious and aggressive when drunk, likely because they've had beyond too much to drink. That's the reason I don't like going to frat parties; don't get me wrong, I love to party. But I don't like the way some people can be complete assholes and ruin it for everyone...not that I or anyone else can do a thing about it.

Joy sin cinicismo

I'm so happy at U of I and I've only been here two days! Orientation is a blast and I met some really cool people. Seriously, it would take something extremely detrimental to upset me (which hopefully won't happen :) ). That's all I got so hopefully all stays well. PEACE!

Is it just me...

or did I miss out on the memo that said teenagers must be a bunch of hormonal crazy asses?

This question was brought on by a show my mom and I were watching called "Teens Gone Wild". Now, I thought that it would probably be about teens partying, drinking and being raunchy...ya know, the usual. But I soon found out that it was about teenagers who had been caught performing criminal acts on tape.

Admittedly, some of these teens had no idea they were being taped (i.e. surveillance cameras) as they committed crimes of petty theft and the like. But what got me were the ones who'd come prepared to record themselves.

The majority these cases were provoked by stupid drama/teenage idiocy and involved extreme violence wherein people were kidnapped/ambushed and had the living shit beat out of them. One girl was even bound and gagged and told that she was going to be buried alive. :o

In every case legal action was pursued, but not to the full extent of the law (at least not in my opinion). But what gets me is that, especially in the really violent cases, these people really thought they would get away with it. It just makes me wonder, "what could possibly be wrong with their brains that they think they would get away with something so obviously illegal?" I decided that, whatever it is, it's probably the same thing that made them think that they hadn't really done anything wrong. But it's just so much worse because they planned those situations so that they could record them and post them on the Internet. I mean, if you're going to do something illegal, not that I condone that, you should at least refrain from supplying the prosecutor (because you WILL get caught!) with all the evidence necessary to convict you. Am I wrong?

Evangelism

Tonight I happened to turn a show where some guy was interviewing an evangelical priest. They were talking about this priest's work in his church and what the future goals for the church are. The man said that he and the other church-goers were just trying to "duplicate themselves as much as possible" so that there's "not just one man of God". I didn't keep watching after that because while they were doing this interview, they showed clips of this priest "healing" members of the congregation and that was the last straw.

It's not necessarily that I have a problem with religion. Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely an atheist. But it doesn't bother me that there are people who follow a religion simply for the fact that there are so many; they can't all be right, but people believe what they need to get them through life. But there are two things that really irk me about evangelicals: 1) that it's founded on the fundamental principle of missionizing and 2) that they "heal people through the power of God".

Let's start with missions. Like I said, I don't mind religion because there are so many with their own sects and what not that give people what they need to get through everyday life. My problem is that people dedicate their lives to "bringing religion to us heathen folk". Jehovah's witnesses and Mormons have been doing it for years going door-to-door and relentlessly. I mean, you came to this same house last week, and the same people who are living there now told you then that they weren't interested in hearing what you had to say. So why keep coming back? In fact, why bother in the first place? If people wanted to hear more about the life and teachings of Jesus Christ, wouldn't they ask? Isn't that the point behind "finding Christ" or were all those years at the Baptist school wasted. It's one thing to find Christ for yourself and something entirely different to have a crucifix shoved in your face.

But what really gets me is this "worship healing" that they do. I'll agree that the power of positive thought is real, otherwise cognitive therapy wouldn't be such a well-established psychological practice. But to say that believing in God will allow a priest to heal you. For one thing, that's serious prejudice. How come "righteous non-believers" can't be healed by God? And why is it that, at least in my experience, all of the people they heal are old. I'm not just talking about a little gray hair and a cane. These people are so old that they would collapse under the weight of a feather. The fact that they fall to pieces just because some guy with a microphone smacks 'em on the forehead is unsurprising, to say the least. It all just seems like a placebo gone wrong. People might feel better afterwards, but maybe only because they think they are and not because of any change in their health. But when that becomes a hundred-thousand dollar industry selling "miracle spring water" and the like, it crosses a serious ethical line.

I guess that's all the beef I've got with evangelism, at least all I can think of.

Schoolsickness

As the title implies, I miss being at school. I just can't really cope with having to be at home all the time. The problem is my mom. Well, I guess it's really me. The thing is she hasn't changed at all, she's still being motherly. The problem is that I don't want her to be. I've always been pretty independent which has made her being the parent somewhat difficult; I've never been keen her or anyone else telling me what to do. But now that I've been away to college for a year and having barely ever come home, it's just so uncomfortable around here. She expects me to ask permission to go out with friends and needs to know when I'll be back. It just sucks having to answer to someone all the time. And even though I'll be going to a new school this fall, I'm really looking forward to have some independence back.

Introduction

I think I have a pretty unique way of viewing the world. I find fault with everything. I indiscriminantly pass judgment on everything from politics and religion to music and people. But at the same time, I don't let what I think the bad things are get me down. In fact, I can be insanely optimistic and probably a bit overconfident. But otherwise I'd be eccentric and depressed, so I guess you could say I'm somewhat balanced. So even if I seem cold, cruel and mean-spirited it's only because I am, but I might surprise you every now and then with some insight and compassion.