Method & Mindset

I started working on this idea I had for a quasi-autobiographical story based on my years in high school. As I'm writing it, I'm trying to force myself to remember what I was like then (what my thoughts, concerns, ambitions, anxieties, etc. were). I realized a couple days ago that it's a bit like method acting: getting into the mindset of the character you're trying to portray by going through his/her experiences in real life. That being said, the past few days, I've been feeling really depressed, just like I did back then.

This project made me remember so many minor details of my life that managed to impact me so much. I feel like I'm especially remembering the moments when I was really unsure of myself and what I wanted out of my life (I know, I sound like every other angst-ridden teenager). But the bad thing is that it's affecting me now.

Having lived through it, I already know how the story ends. But reliving this anxiety is making me wonder if that ending was the right one. I keep finding myself wondering how my life would be different if I had come out during high school. Or if I had gone to U of I last year instead of UE. Or if I had continued trying to get through to my dad. And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

I feel like I'm going through the process of rediscovering myself-almost like a mid-life crisis (though that obviously isn't the case). And it's frustrating because, as I said, I've already lived through the story once and I know what kind of person I became and I'm happy. But there's something in my head, something with a lot of sway over my conscious thoughts, that insists that I repeat those thoughts and emotions and learn something new from them.

I just can't seem to fathom what that might be...

Identity Dissonance

How do you compose a complete, consistent identity when two major parts are at odds?
Is it possible to be a scientist and still say evolution is a crock?
Can you be a protector and be vulnerable?
Could you hate someone and love them at the same time?
Are there people who are self-fulfilling but need a partner in order to be complete?
Do people truly not care what others say about them, but hope good things are being said?
Can you claim to have an identity, when you're not really sure who you are?

Cats & Dogs

Today I discovered something about myself: I. Am. A Cat.

There's a particular reason why I chose to capitalize cat. Here's the backstory:

Tonight, I was hanging out with two of my friends and somehow we started talking about how people choose to make friends and what not. She said that she was a dog person because dogs willingly give affection and want to be friendly with everyone, or at least those that deserve it.

She started talking about how cats reserve their friendship and affection and make you work to earn it. She said that the reason she wasn't a cat person was because she didn't want to have to try so hard to be friends with someone; that she really just wanted to be friends with everyone.

I realized that I'm the exact opposite. I have no desire to be friends with everyone, even everyone that's nice, which sometimes makes me feel a little bad because I'm blowing off perfectly nice people. In truth, I'm not sure how I chose the friends I have (or why they wanted to be my friends in the first place) just because I am a little socially distant. But I know that I manage to make it very difficult for people to be friends with me. Because I am a Cat.