The Happier Side of Cynicism

Inebriated Insight

2009-10-04T03:16:00.003-05:00

Yes, I'm drunk so there's a chance this won't make sense in the morning. But I think it's worth expressing anyway.

I have a good life. I might occasionally complain about things like school or family or whatever might be bothering me that day, but that's only because my strongest emotions come out when I'm upset, when my world is somehow disturbed. Otherwise I'm a content person and find myself without much to say.

Tonight I found myself a little upset at the fact that I'm still single. It's been such a long time since I've had even the opportunity to be with someone that, at times, it seems like it will never happen. But then I remember those days when I look at myself in the mirror and think "Damn I look good" and know that eventually someone outside of my brain will realize that too.

And of course I could only come to this conclusion while intoxicated with alcohol but that's okay. I'm just glad it happened at all. :D

Catching Up

2009-09-14T00:22:00.009-05:00

So it's been about...six months since I last posted and I suppose certain things should be said about how life's been going in that time. To begin...

The whole residency issues from earlier this year have been resolved quite nicely. My mom and I both live in a very nice apartment complex and my "bedroom" is actually quite comfy. I was pre-emptively bitter about it just because it was annoying but once we got right down to it, it wasn't really as bad as it seemed.

The summer was largely uneventful and I was content with that. I'd had this ominous feeling that something terrible would happen this summer but I guess it didn't. Well, except for something my mom told me that I wish she hadn't, that made cry and that I'm not sure I should repeat on this blog. Suffice it to say, it wasn't a good thing. There was also the fact that my mom's boss is an asshole and decided that he couldn't afford to pay for health insurance anymore so she just wouldn't have any. And of course he didn't give her any kind of pay raise, so she can't even afford to get on her own. I'm good as long as I'm in school because I've got student coverage through the university, but once the year's over that's it. That wasn't so great but still not as bad as anything I'd imagined would happen. But other than that it was pretty good.

School's started back up and that's a mixed bag. I am glad to be back in an academic environment and back with all of my friends. But I'm a little on edge because I'm supposed to graduate this year which means that afterwards it's time to be a real adult. That's a little scary just because I hadn't really planned for it and so I'm not completely prepared. I have no sure thoughts about what I'm going to do once I'm not here anymore. I have to go to grad school at some point, but it's too close a time crunch to start applying for next Fall. I'll definitely have to spend a great deal more time thinking about that whole situation and soon too.

Also in the vein of school, I've gotten to go see my psychiatrist again. I'm kind of relapsing back into not eating or sleeping properly and I'm a lot more wired than I was. So, we agreed that I should double the dosage of my medication. Boy, let me tell you does that ever suck. Today was the first day I took the double dose and I had a massive anxiety attack, possibly the worst I've ever had. It actually made me sick and I was incapacitated for a few hours. I'm hoping that this doesn't happen everytime I take it, otherwise I will have to figure out something else to do.

Of course I'm still single although I guess it's getting a little more interesting. I somehow managed to get myself drawn into a love triangle that I don't want to be in since I'm not really into either of the people involved. But one guy likes another guy and asked me for advice and then of course the other guy just had to start throwing himself at me...it's all very awkward. But my hope is that they'll just start dating and leave me out of it. I suppose there a couple of potentials in the works, including my roommate's best friend, but I'm not sure how any of that will play out; I think my forward tendencies throw most guys for a loop. But we'll see...

I'm still broke and unemployed, but that's nothing new and it doesn't appear to be changing any time soon. I suppose it's all this recession business that will hopefully turn itself around soon. Otherwise, everybody's screwed.

I suppose that I should either try and get some work done or just go to bed instead of wasting time on the internet. So I'll leave this alone for now, but I'm planning to make a regular habit of coming back and updating. But at this moment, I think I've said enough.

So I lied.

2009-04-05T16:20:00.004-05:00

I said I would try to focus less on the negative and more on the positive but this needs to be addressed. By virtue of a rather annoying sequence of events, my mother and I have to move again. It doesn't seem that bad at first, I won't have to change schools or anything and we're only moving a couple of miles south. What's really pissing me off is why we have to and what's going to happen once we do.

Officially, the story is that our "landlord" (he doesn't live in or own the building) doesn't want people with pets living in the building but we have three cats. Strangely, this has never been a problem before; we moved in with two cats and have lived there for a little over two years. But for whatever reason, it has become a problem so we have to move. I think that's bullshit.

Here's my theory:
I think the "landlord" is fed up with the perpetual messy, run-down state of our apartment. Ever since I started college, my mom just decided that she was just going to stop taking care of the place. I mean, I knew that I did all of the cleaning around the house because she wouldn't but I figured it was only because she knew she could make me do it. I didn't think she keep doing nothing and watch lazily as she became buried under a heap of clothes and a pile of dirty dishes. When I went home for spring break the place was a mess. There were dirty dishes sitting in cold water, had been for a couple of days apparently. I washed them. The kitchen itself was in complete disarray. I cleaned it. The bathroom was a cesspool; the toilet hadn't been cleaned probably since I'd left for school and there was cat food everywhere. I refused to use that bathroom until it was cleaned. And that of course, is where our story actually begins.

Basically, our toilet stopped working properly. It got clogged and started running slowly and almost flooded a couple of times. So of course we called the landlord over to come have a look at it. Well, it was only my third day home or so and I hadn't had the chance to clean the house the way I wanted to. So when he got there the living room was still a mess, the carpet was stained, my mom's bedroom was a disaster area and of course the toilet had "mysteriously" stopped working. To make an already too long story shorter, he found what looked like gravel or kitty litter in the tank of the toilet. He broke up the clog and went on his way. Except now he thinks that my mother is idiot enough to be dumping litter into the toilet. He apparently doesn't have a very high opinion of her. Maybe I don't either...

A week later, I get a text from my mom saying we have to move. That's bad enough. The place we're moving to only allows tenants to have two cats, so we have to give away Smokey, the third kitten we just got. Alright, so now it's shitty. We're moving into a one bedroom apartment and I get to sleep in the "den". Isn't that lovely? I also have to go home on a weekend that had oodles of plans for to pack my stuff at home.

What upsets me the most is that this shouldn't have happened. My mother is almost forty years old. She should be responsible enough to maintain a quality state of being for her own living environment. I mean, she has to live in all that mess; after a while it becomes unbearable. But she didn't and because of that we're essentially being evicted. And of course, me being completely dependent on her (and I think she likes it that way) I get to be dragged down too. That, I'm not okay with. I've got problems all my own, I don't need to have to deal with hers too.

Trade-offs

2009-03-13T00:18:00.002-05:00

I can't say that anything has gotten any worse, so I shouldn't complain. I'm not self-centered enough to think that I'm the only one with problems, that mine are the only ones that mattered or that they couldn't get worse. I'm glad that nothing bad has happened to me or anyone I care about...

But nothing good has happened either. I'm stuck in this inactive rut and it's annoying. On the one hand, I'm stuck waiting for something good to happen (even if I have to make it happen myself) while silently paranoid that something terrible will happen first.

That said, I'm not sure if I'm more thankful for what I haven't lost or more desperate for what I want and don't have. I don't want to start talking about life being unfair or any crap like that, I know everybody's got it pretty rough. I just thought that something would've broken by now and it hasn't.

I guess I needed to bitch a little bit. It's been a rough few weeks and soon I'm going to going home for spring break, so I can see it won't get much better. I'll try to focus less on what I'm not getting and more on what I'm thankful I've got.

4 months and 7 pills ago...

2009-02-22T14:46:00.007-06:00

So much has happened since the last time I posted anything in this blog that I seldom know where to begin...

I suppose I should start by saying that last semester was an utter disappointment, at the very least. I've never done so badly in school my entire life and it was nauseating to think that I would have to be on academic probation. Apparently, with all my years of coasting, I'd come to take education with a grain of complacency.

There's also the fact that I'm essentially poor to consider. I couldn't find a job last semester. I'm trying to find one for this semester and so far I've had no success. To top it off, what with the state of the economy and all, my mom can't really offer me any help with financial stuff (at least not any help that I'd feel good about asking for).

There's also my mom. I feel like she slowly becoming a lunatic. She's going to start going to school again in May. That's not such a problem; she has every right to do that and I'm actually really glad she's doing it. What's infuriating is that she keeps telling me that she's considering quitting her job. Granted, her job requires a lot of work and is tiring and her boss is a little cooky himself. But that doesn't cancel the fact that she gets paid a ridiculous amount of money and has really good benefits, benefits that she's desperately going to miss if she quits her job. I'm worried that we won't be able to afford to continue living where we do and that I'm going to have to take out something like 2 more loans. That's not okay with me.

Then I started having these weird mood things and I wasn't ever feeling one way too long before I started feeling drastically different. I can't sleep, I can't eat, panic attacks...it was beginning to make me miserable. I started seeing a counselor, explained the situation and she thought that maybe I was suffering from depression and anxiety, so she sent me to see a psychiatrist. Now have to take medication that gives me headaches, makes me really drowsy and increases anxiety. What the fuck?!

To top it all off, I was recently in contact with my father and that didn't go well, as usual. I basically told him exactly what I thought of him and hung up the phone. He's been texting me ever since Friday, trying to "apologize" for everything and saying that he hopes I'll forgive him. But I don't think he really believes that a few text messages and a guilt trip are enough to make up for 19 years of bad parenting; even he's not that stupid. If I thought for even half a second that what he was saying was sincere, I would call him back and talk to him about it but the problem is that we're too much alike and I know exactly how he thinks. He wants to be right, to win, more than anything. He's threatened me, guilted me and bribed me so many times that I can tell when he's just trying to get me to come quietly back to being his perfectly obedient son. But he should know, since I'm just like him, that it won't be easy and he shouldn't expect me to just drop this grudge like a hot potato. He said that when he's dead and gone, I'll wish we had a better relationship and that I'll miss. I already wish we had a better relationship; that would make life significantly less complicated. But that doesn't mean that if he died I'd really care all that much...

Sadly, that's been the state of the last four months. Hopefully, as time goes on, I'll have more positive things to put here. This is called The Happier Side of Cynicism after all.

Untitled

2008-10-21T14:27:00.003-05:00

My superstitious mind is intertwined
with fear and suspense.
My muscles are tense and I wince
at the idea of leaving.
I try believing that if I go, I'll return
Cuz my soul burns for you, yearns for you
But I must learn to be without you

You, with a body so fine, with the perfect mind;
Loving you should be a crime
And I'd be willing to do that time
Cuz in time I could make you mine

But the clock is on its last toc
Time's run out and I'm about to leave
One last hug, one last kiss
Let's enjoy this last bliss

Cuz I'll miss:
Your body so fine
Your perfect mind
Committing that crime of passion.

Method & Mindset

2008-09-18T18:15:00.003-05:00

I started working on this idea I had for a quasi-autobiographical story based on my years in high school. As I'm writing it, I'm trying to force myself to remember what I was like then (what my thoughts, concerns, ambitions, anxieties, etc. were). I realized a couple days ago that it's a bit like method acting: getting into the mindset of the character you're trying to portray by going through his/her experiences in real life. That being said, the past few days, I've been feeling really depressed, just like I did back then.

This project made me remember so many minor details of my life that managed to impact me so much. I feel like I'm especially remembering the moments when I was really unsure of myself and what I wanted out of my life (I know, I sound like every other angst-ridden teenager). But the bad thing is that it's affecting me now.

Having lived through it, I already know how the story ends. But reliving this anxiety is making me wonder if that ending was the right one. I keep finding myself wondering how my life would be different if I had come out during high school. Or if I had gone to U of I last year instead of UE. Or if I had continued trying to get through to my dad. And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

I feel like I'm going through the process of rediscovering myself-almost like a mid-life crisis (though that obviously isn't the case). And it's frustrating because, as I said, I've already lived through the story once and I know what kind of person I became and I'm happy. But there's something in my head, something with a lot of sway over my conscious thoughts, that insists that I repeat those thoughts and emotions and learn something new from them.

I just can't seem to fathom what that might be...

Identity Dissonance

2008-09-18T01:44:00.003-05:00

How do you compose a complete, consistent identity when two major parts are at odds?
Is it possible to be a scientist and still say evolution is a crock?
Can you be a protector and be vulnerable?
Could you hate someone and love them at the same time?
Are there people who are self-fulfilling but need a partner in order to be complete?
Do people truly not care what others say about them, but hope good things are being said?
Can you claim to have an identity, when you're not really sure who you are?

Cats & Dogs

2008-09-12T00:16:00.002-05:00

Today I discovered something about myself: I. Am. A Cat.

There's a particular reason why I chose to capitalize cat. Here's the backstory:

Tonight, I was hanging out with two of my friends and somehow we started talking about how people choose to make friends and what not. She said that she was a dog person because dogs willingly give affection and want to be friendly with everyone, or at least those that deserve it.

She started talking about how cats reserve their friendship and affection and make you work to earn it. She said that the reason she wasn't a cat person was because she didn't want to have to try so hard to be friends with someone; that she really just wanted to be friends with everyone.

I realized that I'm the exact opposite. I have no desire to be friends with everyone, even everyone that's nice, which sometimes makes me feel a little bad because I'm blowing off perfectly nice people. In truth, I'm not sure how I chose the friends I have (or why they wanted to be my friends in the first place) just because I am a little socially distant. But I know that I manage to make it very difficult for people to be friends with me. Because I am a Cat.

Deadly Sin

2008-08-29T16:03:00.002-05:00

Last night, while not being able to sleep, I was thinking about me and my personality. I realized that probably the best and worst thing about it is that I'm extremely proud. I was weighing the pros and the cons:

Pros:

makes me very ambitious
makes me resilient to harsh criticism
allows me to accept the other aspects of my personality
lets me experience new things without fear of losing myself

Cons:

I sometimes come off as cocky
some people try to avoid me because they think I think I'm superior to them

At the time those were the only two cons I could think of, but to me they're pretty big. On the one hand, I've come to really like the person I am and don't want to change. On the other hand, I realize that I'm sometimes an overwhelmingly proud person and I don't want people to think any less of me, or themselves, because of it. Because I do NOT believe, by any stretch of the imagination, that I am in all ways perfect. I've already admitted that pride is one of my major flaws. But I'm not really willing to let go of that pride because it is the only thing that allows me to feel good about myself. I guess it's just that my greatest strength is my greatest flaw and I'm having trouble reconciling that; figuring out how to allow myself to be proud without imposing myself on others.

The one thing I don't like about college

2008-08-24T02:22:00.001-05:00

The one thing I don't like about college, no matter which college, is a fraternity party. It's not the fraternities or the members that bother me, it's the partygoers. They all have very clear intentions when they go there: get wasted. And it usually happens as planned. That doesn't really even bother me so much. What gets me is that some people are extremely obnoxious and aggressive when drunk, likely because they've had beyond too much to drink. That's the reason I don't like going to frat parties; don't get me wrong, I love to party. But I don't like the way some people can be complete assholes and ruin it for everyone...not that I or anyone else can do a thing about it.

Joy sin cinicismo

2008-08-21T20:05:00.002-05:00

I'm so happy at U of I and I've only been here two days! Orientation is a blast and I met some really cool people. Seriously, it would take something extremely detrimental to upset me (which hopefully won't happen :) ). That's all I got so hopefully all stays well. PEACE!

Is it just me...

2008-08-08T00:42:00.003-05:00

or did I miss out on the memo that said teenagers must be a bunch of hormonal crazy asses?

This question was brought on by a show my mom and I were watching called "Teens Gone Wild". Now, I thought that it would probably be about teens partying, drinking and being raunchy...ya know, the usual. But I soon found out that it was about teenagers who had been caught performing criminal acts on tape.

Admittedly, some of these teens had no idea they were being taped (i.e. surveillance cameras) as they committed crimes of petty theft and the like. But what got me were the ones who'd come prepared to record themselves.

The majority these cases were provoked by stupid drama/teenage idiocy and involved extreme violence wherein people were kidnapped/ambushed and had the living shit beat out of them. One girl was even bound and gagged and told that she was going to be buried alive. :o

In every case legal action was pursued, but not to the full extent of the law (at least not in my opinion). But what gets me is that, especially in the really violent cases, these people really thought they would get away with it. It just makes me wonder, "what could possibly be wrong with their brains that they think they would get away with something so obviously illegal?" I decided that, whatever it is, it's probably the same thing that made them think that they hadn't really done anything wrong. But it's just so much worse because they planned those situations so that they could record them and post them on the Internet. I mean, if you're going to do something illegal, not that I condone that, you should at least refrain from supplying the prosecutor (because you WILL get caught!) with all the evidence necessary to convict you. Am I wrong?

Evangelism

2008-08-02T02:54:00.002-05:00

Tonight I happened to turn a show where some guy was interviewing an evangelical priest. They were talking about this priest's work in his church and what the future goals for the church are. The man said that he and the other church-goers were just trying to "duplicate themselves as much as possible" so that there's "not just one man of God". I didn't keep watching after that because while they were doing this interview, they showed clips of this priest "healing" members of the congregation and that was the last straw.

It's not necessarily that I have a problem with religion. Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely an atheist. But it doesn't bother me that there are people who follow a religion simply for the fact that there are so many; they can't all be right, but people believe what they need to get them through life. But there are two things that really irk me about evangelicals: 1) that it's founded on the fundamental principle of missionizing and 2) that they "heal people through the power of God".

Let's start with missions. Like I said, I don't mind religion because there are so many with their own sects and what not that give people what they need to get through everyday life. My problem is that people dedicate their lives to "bringing religion to us heathen folk". Jehovah's witnesses and Mormons have been doing it for years going door-to-door and relentlessly. I mean, you came to this same house last week, and the same people who are living there now told you then that they weren't interested in hearing what you had to say. So why keep coming back? In fact, why bother in the first place? If people wanted to hear more about the life and teachings of Jesus Christ, wouldn't they ask? Isn't that the point behind "finding Christ" or were all those years at the Baptist school wasted. It's one thing to find Christ for yourself and something entirely different to have a crucifix shoved in your face.

But what really gets me is this "worship healing" that they do. I'll agree that the power of positive thought is real, otherwise cognitive therapy wouldn't be such a well-established psychological practice. But to say that believing in God will allow a priest to heal you. For one thing, that's serious prejudice. How come "righteous non-believers" can't be healed by God? And why is it that, at least in my experience, all of the people they heal are old. I'm not just talking about a little gray hair and a cane. These people are so old that they would collapse under the weight of a feather. The fact that they fall to pieces just because some guy with a microphone smacks 'em on the forehead is unsurprising, to say the least. It all just seems like a placebo gone wrong. People might feel better afterwards, but maybe only because they think they are and not because of any change in their health. But when that becomes a hundred-thousand dollar industry selling "miracle spring water" and the like, it crosses a serious ethical line.

I guess that's all the beef I've got with evangelism, at least all I can think of.

Schoolsickness

2008-07-28T23:03:00.008-05:00

As the title implies, I miss being at school. I just can't really cope with having to be at home all the time. The problem is my mom. Well, I guess it's really me. The thing is she hasn't changed at all, she's still being motherly. The problem is that I don't want her to be. I've always been pretty independent which has made her being the parent somewhat difficult; I've never been keen her or anyone else telling me what to do. But now that I've been away to college for a year and having barely ever come home, it's just so uncomfortable around here. She expects me to ask permission to go out with friends and needs to know when I'll be back. It just sucks having to answer to someone all the time. And even though I'll be going to a new school this fall, I'm really looking forward to have some independence back.

Introduction

2008-07-24T23:57:00.002-05:00

I think I have a pretty unique way of viewing the world. I find fault with everything. I indiscriminantly pass judgment on everything from politics and religion to music and people. But at the same time, I don't let what I think the bad things are get me down. In fact, I can be insanely optimistic and probably a bit overconfident. But otherwise I'd be eccentric and depressed, so I guess you could say I'm somewhat balanced. So even if I seem cold, cruel and mean-spirited it's only because I am, but I might surprise you every now and then with some insight and compassion.