4 months and 7 pills ago...

So much has happened since the last time I posted anything in this blog that I seldom know where to begin...

I suppose I should start by saying that last semester was an utter disappointment, at the very least. I've never done so badly in school my entire life and it was nauseating to think that I would have to be on academic probation. Apparently, with all my years of coasting, I'd come to take education with a grain of complacency.

There's also the fact that I'm essentially poor to consider. I couldn't find a job last semester. I'm trying to find one for this semester and so far I've had no success. To top it off, what with the state of the economy and all, my mom can't really offer me any help with financial stuff (at least not any help that I'd feel good about asking for).

There's also my mom. I feel like she slowly becoming a lunatic. She's going to start going to school again in May. That's not such a problem; she has every right to do that and I'm actually really glad she's doing it. What's infuriating is that she keeps telling me that she's considering quitting her job. Granted, her job requires a lot of work and is tiring and her boss is a little cooky himself. But that doesn't cancel the fact that she gets paid a ridiculous amount of money and has really good benefits, benefits that she's desperately going to miss if she quits her job. I'm worried that we won't be able to afford to continue living where we do and that I'm going to have to take out something like 2 more loans. That's not okay with me.

Then I started having these weird mood things and I wasn't ever feeling one way too long before I started feeling drastically different. I can't sleep, I can't eat, panic attacks...it was beginning to make me miserable. I started seeing a counselor, explained the situation and she thought that maybe I was suffering from depression and anxiety, so she sent me to see a psychiatrist. Now have to take medication that gives me headaches, makes me really drowsy and increases anxiety. What the fuck?!

To top it all off, I was recently in contact with my father and that didn't go well, as usual. I basically told him exactly what I thought of him and hung up the phone. He's been texting me ever since Friday, trying to "apologize" for everything and saying that he hopes I'll forgive him. But I don't think he really believes that a few text messages and a guilt trip are enough to make up for 19 years of bad parenting; even he's not that stupid. If I thought for even half a second that what he was saying was sincere, I would call him back and talk to him about it but the problem is that we're too much alike and I know exactly how he thinks. He wants to be right, to win, more than anything. He's threatened me, guilted me and bribed me so many times that I can tell when he's just trying to get me to come quietly back to being his perfectly obedient son. But he should know, since I'm just like him, that it won't be easy and he shouldn't expect me to just drop this grudge like a hot potato. He said that when he's dead and gone, I'll wish we had a better relationship and that I'll miss. I already wish we had a better relationship; that would make life significantly less complicated. But that doesn't mean that if he died I'd really care all that much...

Sadly, that's been the state of the last four months. Hopefully, as time goes on, I'll have more positive things to put here. This is called The Happier Side of Cynicism after all.